63: Mental Health Boundaries, and Chronic Illness During the Holidays

Stacy Griffin: Welcome back to Autoimmune Adventures. It's that time of year again, the holiday season, and while the season can be joyful and fun, we also know it can be incredibly heavy. Especially for those of us living with chronic illness and autoimmunity, depression, grief, loneliness, overwhelm. These things don't take a holiday break.

In fact, they often get louder. Today. It's just the three of us, me, Alysia, and Becky, and we're opening up a really important conversation about navigating mental health during the holidays with honesty, compassion, and a whole lot of encouragement.

Alysia Thomas: Because this time of year can stir up a lot, right? It stirs up expectations or maybe old traditions or family dynamics or the pressure to be cheerful or, um, maybe painful memories or the loss of somebody that isn't with you for the holiday.

It can be a lot and it can come on pretty quickly. So if you're listening and you're feeling that weight, um, we want you to know that you're not alone. You're not alone. Today, we're gonna talk about the very real struggles and also some of the doable things that we can do to support mental well-being throughout the season.

Becky Miller: We just want you guys to know that we're here with you. Um, whatever your reasons for feeling various emotions are we. As good of a childhood as we had. Um, there are still things, whether it's I, I know that we, a lot of us, uh, three of us have times where we battle perfectionism, and I know as a mom, I have this idea of I have to make the holidays magical and sometimes I put more stress on myself than necessary.

But a big one, emotional wise at this time, is all three of us have lost our parents and we have very good holiday memories with them. And so it's very bittersweet. And we, we get it. We get that there are a hundred different reasons to have all the emotions, whatever they are. So we just wanna know that, that we want you to know that we're with you for this, and we hope you can get comfy and let's have some real chat about how we can improve our mental health during the holidays.

Stacy Griffin: Let's start by naming this. The holidays are triggering for so many people, and yet the world acts like everyone should be sparkling with joy. And honestly, sometimes that's just impossible. For people with chronic illness or autoimmunity, it's even more intense. There's all the physical exhaustion that we have, sensory overwhelm that can often occur, and then of course the emotional pressure that we always have to push through. So we mask and we try, and we try and we mask, and we don't care for ourselves the way that we should. And this isn't even talking about emotional.

We'll get to that in a minute.

Alysia Thomas: Right.

Stacy Griffin: This is just talking about the physical things that we already have on our plate every day and that are worsened when we have the pressure of the holidays.

Alysia Thomas: Yeah, exactly. And depression around the holidays. It, it doesn't always look like sadness, right? Sometimes it is just numbness. Sometimes it is indifference, sometimes it's irr, irritability. Um, and, and it's fatigue too. I mean, there are so many different ways that depression can manifest. And so keep that in mind. And if you are feeling disconnected from yourself and from your loved ones, that's maybe a sign you need to be taking better care of yourself.

Sometimes it's guilt, like Becky was saying, when you are the one that makes the holidays magical. You feel like you should be doing more to make things better, to make them more festive, to make 'em more fun, to make it more magical, whatever. Um, and it's, it's hard. It's hard to live up to our own expectations of ourselves sometimes.

Becky Miller: And as we mentioned before, grief is something that is very real at the holiday season. Um, obviously for people with chronic illness and autoimmune disease, we have grief for the body that we used to have. Things that we used to do, um, even traditions that we used to love. Sometimes we are not physically able to do them anymore, and we just don't have the energy to keep up with them.

Becky Miller: Obviously, there's grief for loved ones lost. There's grief for relationships that have changed. If you've broken up with a boyfriend or girlfriend or if you've been in a divorce, family that you just can't be with, maybe your family is still around, but they're far away and for whatever reason, financial or otherwise, you're not able to see each other.

I think that we forget sometimes that holiday highlights loss just as much as it does the joy.

Stacy Griffin: I think it's important to say these kind of things out loud so that these are not things that are just being silently carried.

To our audience, we want you to understand that we get it, we get it. This is not an easy time of year. There are things that we want to love about it, and sometimes we just can't. The guilt of not being able to meet expectations or feeling that loss. And last year, we talked about marching up a mountain to get a Christmas tree. And if I had to march up a mountain to get a Christmas tree, I wouldn't be able to do it anymore.

It's not something that I can do anymore. And so I, I think that we, we just have to acknowledge that there are certain things that are hard, and we have to be willing to accept that difficulty and try and find joy where we can.

Alysia Thomas: And I think that this time of year is so steeped with traditions, and I love that actually -I think that's a beautiful thing in a lot of ways, but there are a lot of traditions that are not serving me anymore. Um, whe, whether it's just making too many sugary treats, um, or whether it is, um, putting so much on my plate that I, that I can't keep up with it all. And that's one of the hardest parts of the season for me. For me personally, I feel like I'm letting people down if I don't attend everything or if I don't show up. Energetic and in a good mood or you know, like the, the ex, there are some expectations of others. Um, and that pressure feeds right into depression. I, I feel, um, and it can also spark anxiety. So try to be gentle with yourself right now.

Alysia Thomas: Don't, you don't have to... get comfortable saying no, like you don't have to go to all the things, and I know it's hard to cut stuff off of your list or out of your. Traditions or whatever, but you can create new, healthy traditions, healthy for your body, healthy for your mind, healthy for your soul. Like some of these things we have to put a little bit more effort into because we are so used to doing what we always did for Christmas morning or for whatever, and when it's not an option for us anymore, you can just go without it, or you can find something to replace it, I guess is what I'm saying.

Stacy Griffin: I agree that it is really hard at this time of year to not want to let people down. We, we want to be able to be there for the people that we love, especially at this time of year, but there's such a thing as sensory overload. I mean, one of the things that I never had a problem with until I had autoimmune disease was sensory overload.

I have, I was the life of the party. I was in the middle of the party. I was making the party. And since I have had my different diagnoses, the crowds and the noise and all the rushing and the constant movement that requires you to be 110% all of the time, my whole system goes into shutdown mode. It just, it just about flattens me.

So when this happens, then depression can sneak in through the back door. 'cause I start feeling like I can't keep up the way that I used to. And now I feel guilty, because I don't wanna be at the party. I don't wanna be the center of attention, and I do not want to be anywhere near where I have to be brilliant.

I just wanna hide in a corner, chill with a glass of eggnog. And try and stay out of everyone's line of sight because the minute that I get into line of sight, all of my friends, all the people that I hang out with expect me to bring a certain level of energy and excitement. And I don't always have that anymore to give, so...

Alysia Thomas: And then, and then you're like, "I don't, I don't have that. I don't have that tonight. Sorry guys." And, and then they're like, "What's wrong? Are you okay? What's going on? You don't seem like yourself." You are like, it's all, it's, it can be a lot. It can be a lot. And so some of us turn into introverts and we're just happy to stay at home and protect our peace, so...

Stacy Griffin: Truth, truth, yeah. No.

Becky Miller: Um, I think my biggest struggle is the emotional whiplash of wanting to create a beautiful holiday. And My body just doesn't always cooperate. So I used to be the person who we would jokingly say it looked like Christmas exploded at my house. 'cause I've never been the, you know, fancy, like, Better Homes and Gardens, kind of color coordinated decorations.

Um, our tree is very mismatched. We, we do special ornaments for our kids every year. So it's a different ornament every year that has something to do with the, something they accomplished for the year. So it's, it's just a bunch of everything. But then I have, I, I have like a Christmas village that I like to set up and, um, I collect nativities, and I have nativities I like to set up and all the things, and I've just gotten to where

I don't have the energy to do that.

And, and sometimes it helps if you ask your loved ones because sometimes things matter to them, but sometimes things that maybe matter to you. My kids like decorations, but for them, really when I talk to 'em, it's like, "Hey, as long as we've got the tree up, we're good." You know? Like they're pretty chill about it.

My idea of I had to turn everything into Christmas all over my whole house, that was just me. And so that was an idea I had to let go of and because it's something I enjoy, I just do what I can and so like I might have something festive in my kitchen. If I don't get it all the way, if I don't get the festivity all the way upstairs, that's okay. Like it's, I've just learned to accept, to do, and it is, it is honestly different every year. My level of what I can handle doing, and I've just learned to do what I can handle.

Alysia Thomas: I think that you, you made a really good point there, a tip that everybody should take away if you are, um, especially if you are a parent.

Um, I, and I did this last year. I haven't done it this year. I need to, you ask people what they care about. Ask your family, what are the things that you care about? What are the things you don't wanna let go? What are the things we need to prioritize this season, whether it's traditions or decorations, or whatever it is.

So I did that last year, and I will be doing it again because this is, this is coming at a good time. For me, today was the day that like all of the heaviness of the holidays settled on my shoulders today, realizing that we have, you know, only a few weeks till Christmas, and I'm the one that makes everything happen.

So, it's a lot. And, and I, that is one of the huge reasons why depression hits harder during the holidays, is we have these expectations and it can make our mental, maintaining mental health really complicated. And these expectations are not always from others. They're not always from others. Sometimes they are you, you're, you're probably gonna have expectations to cook, and to show up, or maybe to host, to smile, to get gifts to perform almost.

And, and like, like my sister said about like masking, you know, like you sometimes just have to perform right? And it's exhausting. And those experiences, those expectations they can bring about depression. They can bring depression symptoms up to the surface.

Stacy Griffin: Another factor is disruption of routine. When you have chronic illness, you have a routine and that's your survival. That's how you get things done, is how you keep track of your energy, is how you operate through life. So suddenly you're traveling, you're eating differently, you're sleeping differently, you're around different people.

So our whole system gets knocked off balance, and at this time of year, of course, you're probably likely to travel at some point in time during the holiday season. So I'm going to suggest that you go back and listen to our holiday travel episode we released this year because it goes through how to effectively travel, how to make it as comfortable and possible as it needs to be, because you can build a routine into your travel and into your holiday season, but you have to be willing to let the people you love know what you need.

So that's the biggest thing. Don't disrupt your routine any more than you absolutely have to. There are certain things you're gonna have to change, but anything you can keep the same is good.

Becky Miller: Don't forget emotional triggers. Being around family or going home can sometimes bring up old wounds or stress dynamics, or maybe you're alone and seeing everybody else gather, and that is hard. Either way. There's a lot of things are very emotionally loaded.

Alysia Thomas: Yeah, I think it's, it's important to point out that uh, not everybody's going to have a family dynamic that makes them want to spend the holidays with their family. And I'm just gonna go ahead and give you permission to not. I'm gonna give you permission to say, "I'm choosing inner peace this day, this holiday. That's what I'm choosing. That's my gift to myself for the holidays, is choosing inner peace."

And if that means, um, politely as you can bowing out, that's what it means. Um, I had to do that years ago when I was a young mom and we had five kids and we lived. In the middle of nowhere, and all our family was far, far from us.

And for my sanity, I could not travel any longer with five children during the holidays. I couldn't do it. And you can bet that there were some people that were not happy when I put my foot down about it. But guess what? Ultimately it ended with my family, my little family, creating our own traditions, spending time together. Prioritizing each other. We didn't leave the house almost like we had so much quality time with each other that we never would've had. We created traditions we never would've created if we had continued to travel every holiday season to be with family. And I have wonderful family.

Alysia Thomas: We all have people we don't want to hang out with. Right. I love my family. I love my in-laws. That doesn't make it any less valid for me to make the choice to not travel and spend time with family. That was for my emotional well-being. And if you have really strained family dynamics, it's gonna, you have every right, every right to say, "I'm choosing peace this season. I love you. I will see you another time. But I'm, I'm, I'm not traveling this holiday season."

And you can, you don't have to give excuses, you don't have to explain to people. They're gonna ask and they're gonna want 'em, but you don't, you don't owe an explanation to people. You can, you or you can just be honest and say, "You know what? For my mental health, I'm not going anywhere this season." And anybody that tries to argue with that, nah...

Stacy Griffin: If you look at the fact that there's a lot going on that triggers depression, for instance, there's shorter days, there's less sunlight. It's cold. For many of us, if we're not living in the southern hemisphere, it's cold this time of year. And so it's a perfect storm for seasonal depression, and at a time of year where you're already juggling everything we've already discussed. The actual physical demands of the world that we live in at this time of year can also really, really cause problems for you. So grant yourself some grace and do what's best for you, for you, do what's best for you.

Alysia Thomas: I find for me, um, the holidays generally feel overwhelming. I don't get seasonal depression until after the holidays, when all of the fun and the beauty and the glitter and the togetherness, all of that is wrapped up. And you don't have anything to look forward to when you live in Minnesota for January, February, March. Probably good four months before you're gonna feel like it might possibly be spring. So, I think it's okay to give yourself permission to redefine what your holidays are gonna look like this year right now, and think about your mental health following the holidays as well, right? There's a period of time here where it's gonna be difficult because of all the things the holidays are involved in.

For me, it's worse after the holidays. My body kind of shuts down. Okay. You've performed, you've checked all these things off your to-do list, you've done hosting, and then my body's like, Peace out, bitch! And I go to sleep for two weeks and I get depressed. So, um, be prepare for that. Prepare for that if you live somewhere, um, that is dark and cold, um, and get seasonal depression.

Becky Miller: Yeah.

Alysia Thomas: That's something to be very aware of. The holidays sometimes can be a bright spot, and when they're over it's, you know, I have to do, I have to have something on the calendar to look forward to. Otherwise I get, I just, winter is the worst for me.

Becky Miller: Yeah, and guys kind of learn what your, um, personal, emotional warning signs are. If you start to feel numb, if you're feeling snappy, like overly snappy, withdrawn, or just really overwhelmed, that's your cue to pause. You don't have to push through. And in really severe cases, if you're feeling like you're in a crisis, there are hotlines, there are people to talk to, there are things to do.

Becky Miller: We will include those in our show notes and we'll have the crisis hotline on the the screen. Um, a lot of times people think that this hotline is just for people who are feeling suicidal, which unfortunately is also something that happens more during the holidays, but it is called a crisis hotline because you don't have to be suicidal if you are in a mental health crisis, regardless of the type, they are willing to take your call and it's free, and they're experienced people that can walk you through things.

Alysia Thomas: Let people know what you can realistically handle this season, right? A quick text like, "I might have to leave early," or "Can we keep this low key this year?" Can kind of just set expectations in a different place. Maybe prevent some emotional fallout.

I also think it's incredibly wise to block out recovery time. Treat it like it's part of your calendar. It's part of your schedule. It's an appointment after every outing, every event, every gathering, whatever. Plan some rest for yourself without any guilt.

Stacy Griffin: I love that idea. Alright, we talked about travel kits for actual travel, but I want to talk about mental health kits, because I think this is extremely important.

So you need to sit down and you need to create a mental health kit for yourself. And what is a mental health kit? Well, I'm gonna walk you through what that can be. First of all, boundaries that you've committed to. You need to determine, these are the boundaries that I've made for myself this holiday season and I'm sticking to them, and you need to set that in stone before you dive into the holiday season because you're going to need to know what the expectations you're placing on yourself and the other people around you are.

Then, you need some go to calming activities. What can you do when you get into a bad position or a bad place where you need to calm yourself down and get that nervous system regulated? And my suggestion would be pick your favorite breathing technique, but also maybe, you know, I carry a, a little bottle of my favorite, um, essential oil in my purse. And when it gets really, really bad, I will pull it out and I will just wave it under my nose a little bit and breathe for a second and just bring myself back to back to my body. Bringing myself back into my body so that I can pay attention to what it needs and give it what it needs.

It's good to have a support person you can text. I have a friend whenever I go to a party that I let her know, "Hey, I'm going to a party tonight. If I text you, can you call me and make it urgent for me to leave?"

Alysia Thomas: I love this so much. I have that with my husband, but it, it'd be so much better with a girlfriend. I love it. It's...

Stacy Griffin: Oh yeah. I'm like, "Okay, so I'm going to this party and I want to go to this party, because I love these people and I wanna spend time with them, but I also know that they're gonna want a whole lot more for me than I have to give," so I'll text you when I hit my, not when I hit my holy crap, I'm about to crash and burn. But when I feel that down play. You know that moment where your body starts to like slow down and shut down a little, and then I'll text her, and then she'll call me and she'll say, "Hey, I need you." And then I'm like, "Oh my word, I've got this important thing I need to go do. Bye." I'm out and then I leave.

Becky Miller: I was gonna say, I think it also works if you have that emotional support person with you at events as well.

Stacy Griffin: Yes.

Becky Miller: Because I know my husband and I are that for each other. I've got my chronic illness that slows me down, but he has a real issue with crowds. Like it is a really hard thing for him. And so, we kind of team tag it for each other. You know, his his, like you were saying, find something that calms you. His calm is he likes to read, so he has his tablet or a book. And I know that some people might consider it rude in certain times when he pulls it out, but. I kind of go to bat for him by saying, "Hey, this is how he copes with being in a large crowd of people."

If he focuses on the book, he can like get that out of his head and he doesn't have the, the anxiety. Likewise, he team tags it for me when I'm just like, "Oh, I am so exhausted. I, I can't do this." I mean, the perfect example was that last year we had his, uh, office. His office, Christmas party and um, they had events planned way into the night and it was very generous. They were paying for things. We were at Billy Bob's in Fort Worth, if any of you have ever been there - wonderful dinner, wonderful things, but they actually included a concert after everything. And the concert didn't even start until like eight or nine o'clock. And even though the tickets were paid for as part of the thing, we just kind of looked at each other and said, "We're tapping out."

Like this is a lovely, generous thing, but physically neither of us are up to this. And so whether that person is on the phone or with you, find somebody that can help you, especially if you have trouble speaking up for yourself, so that you can get out of those things and not overextend yourself.

Stacy Griffin: And plan things a little bit in advance, like have a few easy meals that are on board so that they don't take any thought at all. Okay, easy meals, something that's a quick grab.

Make sure you fill your meds and your supplements before the holiday season, so that you know you're covered over all of those times, whether it's because you're traveling or simply because the pharmacy is closed. You're not gonna be able to get it. So advance that, so you don't have that stress.

And then have some comfort items, a few things, whether it's your favorite hot cocoa or I have a really great neck pillow. I love that when I get headaches from just doing too much makes a huge difference. And I put a little bit of lavender oil on it and the world is a better place. So just...those kind of things can make a huge difference in your well-being.

Alysia Thomas: This is my comfort item. I'm not wearing it, but it's a purple comfy, it's a wearable blanket. It's on my lap, but I'm not wearing it. So comfort items are huge.

Becky Miller: Yeah.

Alysia Thomas: I love it.

Becky Miller: Those are great. Um, another thing to do is to. Realize you can create small moments of joy. Like it doesn't have to be big, crazy things.

Maybe you get a little bit of joy from watching a nostalgic holiday movie. Um, maybe it's just, you know, your one special family recipe or whatever it is that you love to cook. And maybe it's just a short drive or a short walk to look at some holiday lights. Whatever it is, it's, it's cool. Small joy is still joy. It all counts.

Alysia Thomas: Yep. I think another one is to add light. This is huge for me personally. Uh, literal light. I'm talking. I have a happy light I sit in front of. Um, sunlight is the best choice if you can access it. Like I, now, I can't access it here all the time. Um, I have, you can ask my family if I am awake, every light on the floor that I am on in the house is gonna be on. I want light on. I want lamps. I love candles. I love creating warm spaces. I love the lights of the Christmas tree. And it can have a powerful effect on your mood. It, it does on mine. So open the blinds in the morning, whether the sun is out or not.

Open the blinds. Step outside if you can, when you can, and if you can't get outside. Get yourself a happy light, and use it religiously. Use it as if it were medication, okay? Every day, religiously. It makes a difference. I don't, I, I couldn't explain scientifically how there's scientific explanation. I can't give it to you, but it works. It works.

Becky Miller: And let's just say this one more time clearly, guys, if your depression feels heavy, persistent, or scary. Reach out for professional help. Don't wait. There is no shame in needing support.

Alysia Thomas: Right, and that can be talk therapy, it can be trying a new medication. It can be online support groups, peer support. I think online support groups can be really helpful right now, because if you're not traveling and if you are isolated and you're lonely and you're sad there are people on, on online support groups who are probably in that same exact position as you, so reach out. These are all parts, like these are all like a toolbox. Little things you can add to your toolbox, your mental health kit if you will, and you don't have to carry the holidays alone.

Stacy Griffin: If you're listening today, we hope that you have felt seen. The holidays are complicated, beautiful. They're messy and emotional, and that's okay. It's okay. We hope that you can find some peace and some light during this season of light and that you can find some modicum of joy, but if that feels too hard, just settle for peace. a

Becky Miller: And protect your peace. Honor your body, honor your limits, and know that you deserve a holiday that feels safe and supportive.

Alysia Thomas: Thank you for spending time with us. From the three of us. We are sending you warmth, care, and permission to do the holiday your way.

We'll see you next time on Autoimmune Adventures. Remember, you are worthy of joy. Disease does not define your life. You do.

HELPFUL LINKS:

US National Suicide and Crisis Life Line 988 - You can call, text or chat. You don't have to be in a current suicidal crisis to access it. You decide what is a crisis for you.

List of suicide/crisis hotlines for other countries - https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) - https://afsp.org/about-afsp/ 

National Alliance on Mentally Ill (NAMI) – https://www.nami.org/ - Most US states have a NAMI chapter, and also a Mental Health Association - https://mhanational.org/.