EPISODE 13: Festive Wellness - Navigating the Holiday Season

BECKY: Welcome back to autoimmune adventures. Today we're going to be discussing navigating the holidays with autoimmune disease. We have all experienced the loaded schedule of the holidays and whether it's a long list of holiday expectations of things that people want us to do for fun, going to holiday dinners or parties where you're feeling pressured to eat something that you know you really shouldn't or physically can't, only to ask yourself, "Do I try to explain myself? Do I try to brush it aside or possibly offend Aunt Helen?"

Whether it's diabetes, Crohn's, celiac, or any other autoimmune disease, we often face the dilemma of disappointing loved ones or compromising our health. The holiday season can be overwhelming for those of us with autoimmune disease, but we have merry tidings - with proper planning and self care, it is possible to survive and even enjoy the festivities.

ALYSIA: But before we jump into our episode, here's our Good Bit Minute. Learning to say no to unwanted holiday invitations can actually benefit your mental health. Are you feeling overwhelmed by holiday invitations? A new study suggests that it's okay to say no. Researchers found that people often worry about disappointing others by declining, but the reality is, most people don't mind. Prioritizing your well being is important. And avoiding holiday burnout is important. So, don't hesitate to say no if you need to. Your relationships will likely survive, and you might feel less stressed. Remember, it's okay to put yourself first.

STACY: So, we understand that there are some challenges that we're going to be dealing with., and so we're going to talk a little bit about some of those before we dive into how to take care of ourselves and how to still enjoy the holiday. I think that when we think about the holidays, we don't always think about the physical stress. We think about, "Oh, I have to deal with all these people that I have to cope with, and yeah, we'll talk emotional stressors here in a minute. But let's address the fact that now we've got something that's going on in our body that is going to really physically challenge us. And there's a lot going on during the holidays. So, there's increased social engagements and activities and we don't necessarily think about how much toll that will take on us.

Plus there's the dietary changes and potential triggers that you get with all of the food that comes around this time of year, and it's hard and sometimes kind of embarrassing to try and communicate your needs and boundaries with your loved ones, so that they do not feel put out by the fact that you can't eat the food they brought you.

And then, of course, there's the whole lack of sleep because you've got these holiday festivities, you're, maybe you're playing Santa, you've got to make time for yourselves, guys. You've got to think, "Okay, if I'm going to be up late tonight, wrapping gifts while the kids are asleep, maybe I should make sure that I make time for a nap during the day while they're at school," or something along those lines.

You need to, like, counter the very real needs that exist, and I'm calling them needs because you still want to be a good parent, you still want to meet the expectations of your children, but you also have to be realistic about what you can do. So, maybe if you're cooking a turkey for the holiday, you get up early, you put the turkey in the oven, and then you just go back to bed for a couple of hours.

There's, it's not a big deal to do that. And then, of course, there's travel and environmental changes, and you're going to have to think in terms of how do I navigate this, and that means planning. There's going to be a whole lot of planning involved. And you have to take that into account and try not to get broadsided because you're still going to have surprises. You're still going to have things that pop up.

BECKY: So along with those physical stressors, I think we're aware of a lot of the emotional stressors that are really common at the holiday season as well. One of the really common ones, and I know it's one that I struggle with, is this pressure to be perfect and meet expectations. Sometimes it's other people's expectations, but honestly, I know for myself, it's often my own. Whether it's how I want to decorate, or how I want to wrap gifts, or how I want to prepare food, or whatever it is, I always have this grand idea in my mind when it comes to parties and fun things of how I want it to turn out.

And it is really almost never a realistic expectation of what I can handle physically. Um, fortunately, I have a family who's really good at, you know, lovingly reminding me of that, and so I can better set my expectations. But, I think also we have to take into account emotional stressors. It's emotional enough if you're the one putting those expectations, but it gets even a little more stressful if other people are really putting those expectations on you. Um, and so, we need to be aware of that, and be willing, like we talked about in our good bit minute - not just to invitations, but sometimes expectations - be willing to say, "No, I, I can't do this." Limit ourselves, find an easier way to do it, or not do it at all, depending on what it is.

A big emotional stressor during the holidays that a lot of people experience are feelings of isolation or loneliness. Um, not everybody has family to go visit, and sometimes even if they do, I think we are all aware of whether it's our family or we probably have a friend. I think all of us are aware of at least one or more people in our life who have those, that family dynamic of when they get together for any kind of holiday, there is some kind of drama, some kind of crazy. Somebody's crying. Somebody's getting angry. You know, I think we're all aware of somebody if it's not us that has that happen on a holiday

STACY: And let's not forget the very real isolation and loneliness that comes from having a disease that no one in your family understands. Even if they want to be supportive, they may not be able to be supportive because they just don't understand it, and so because of that, we can experience isolation and loneliness even when we have a good family dynamic.

It's just, you know, I don't want people to think, "Hey, I have a good family. I shouldn't feel this way." There's still the potential for you to feel that way, because you're coping with things that other people might not understand.

BECKY: Exactly, and I think one of the other emotional stressors, it's kind of both a physical and an emotional stressor, I would say, Is that a lot of times people experience financial strain around the holidays. It's really easy I think to say, 'don't break break the bank' buying things you don't need. Try to go shopping when things are on sale, but I think especially in the current economy when it feels like things are just getting more and more expensive, it is a challenge sometimes for people, especially people that have kids or people that they know are expecting gifts to be able to say, "How am I going to, you know, either make this affordable?," or "How am I going to tactfully just let everybody know, hey guys, I can't do gifts this year."

ALYSIA: So now that we've talked about some of the downers about the holidays, the emotional and physical stressors, let's talk about things you can do to feel good during the holidays.

We love giving you guys self care strategies, and going into the holidays the importance of prioritizing and planning is very real. So, as Becky was saying, it's important to set realistic expectations and boundaries. You've got to be willing to communicate with people that you are getting together with, whether that's co-workers or family or friends, and clearly communicate about what you can and cannot do. Clearly communicate about what the food options are going to be.

I would never, ever demand that somebody have gluten free food for me, but I would like to know what is on the menu, so that I can bring something for myself to eat. You don't want to ever assume that somebody is going to cater to you during the holidays, and don't take it personally. Don't take it personally. They're, they're planning, they're cooking. It's a lot. So, just eat beforehand or bring your own food. It's not that big of a deal.

STACY: And remember, guys, that you have the benefit of finding something that works, that's good for you, and then bringing it and sharing it. And if you're excited about it, other people will be excited about it.

So much of what makes the holidays a time of joy, is the attitude that we bring with ourselves as we walk through the door of any party or get together. So, we just need to come in with a good attitude.

BECKY: Let them try it. Like, if you want to share with people, obviously, if there's not enough, you know, just offer it to the people that you know, need it, if there's anyone there besides yourself, but I will tell you, there are so many people that are like, "Oh, that's gluten free. I'm not going to try it." On the flip side of that, I've had so many people try something that I've made that was gluten free or sugar free, and be like, "Wow, that was so good!" And they had no idea, but they never would have tried it if they had known. So that's my little tip there.

ALYSIA: Yes. Isn't it just incredibly satisfying when you're getting just all these compliments about something that you made and then you tell everybody at the end, after they've all eaten it, that you're like, "Yeah, that was dairy free and gluten free." And everybody is shocked. You know, you're like. I don't make food that doesn't taste good. I eat good food. Just because I can't do gluten and dairy does not mean I don't have good food.

So, it's kind of, I mean, have fun with it, have fun with it. And I love, this is my favorite time of year to experiment with, you know, good family recipes and try and tweak them and make them better for you. Use gluten free ingredients, dairy free ingredients, sugar free ingredients, and see what you can do. I would definitely recommend you get online though, because sometimes those flours act different than regular flour. Get online and look because sometimes those recipes are just a little bit tweaked online for different flours and different ingredients, and you can, you can still have those very nostalgic treats.

So, but you do have to be willing to communicate with people before gatherings. Um, about what is going to be served and sometimes even what activities there are going to be. You, I mean, you don't even know what might be triggering for you physically either. So if there, if there are activities going on, you need to be able to identify if you're going to be able to do that. You need to identify if there are going to be food triggers. You need to identify if there are environmental triggers as well, and you can avoid those as much as possible. But if you don't clearly communicate, as we always say, advocating for yourself, if you don't clearly communicate beforehand, you're not going to be prepared. You're not going to have a plan and it can end badly.

Create a schedule for yourself, create a holiday schedule and delegate tasks to anybody in your support system that you can delegate tasks to. I know my kids actually love to decorate. If I get the, the, um, well, I don't get them. My husband gets them out of the garage, all the holiday boxes, all the decorations, and I hardly lift a finger anymore, honestly, they really, my kids love to do it and they love to help make the food and the cookies and all the special treats that we make during the holidays.

So be willing to delegate. And probably my favorite tip here is just take things off your list. Say, you know what? I don't need, I don't need to build a gingerbread house this year. Do I love it? Yes. It's also incredibly time consuming. But you know, I had to say, this is something I can't keep doing. This takes too much time.

BECKY: And I was going to say, one of the things that I had to adapt for myself last year too, my kids, especially my husband, know I am kind of crazy when it comes to wrapping. I love to buy lots of different colors and kinds of wrapping paper. And I do really fancy bows and, and it's like a beautifully wrapped package is part of my Christmas love language.

Last year, when I was having some issues with my health, I was realizing as the holiday was growing closer, and I had not had a bunch of stuff wrapped, that I didn't have the time or the energy to do every beautiful bow, and I had to drop that expectation.

STACY: Or you need to embrace gift bags. Your sanity is more important than a pretty present. And when I realized that a lot of the pressure I was putting on myself was me putting it on myself. Not the people who loved and cared about me. They couldn't care less about that stuff. And now I saved my wrapping skills because all three of us have really good wrapping skills. I saved my wrapping skills for the people who truly appreciate it.

Like my best friend, or my sisters, or someone that I know is going to be like, "Wow, look how much love she put into this," but 95 percent of the people in my life could not care less.

ALYSIA: It's true.

STACY: Why am I doing this to myself? Take it off the list. Take it off of your list of things you think you have to do, because nine times out of ten, you really don't have to.

BECKY: I know there are people out there that really love Elf on a Shelf, for instance. And even if the elf is your tradition, find easy things for that elf to do. Besides, you don't want him to do mischievous things, because he's supposed to be teaching kids to be good for Santa. So have, have a lazy elf, have an elf that's like, I'm sitting on the couch tonight, and tomorrow I'll just be sitting on the chair next to it.

You know, make it, make it as easy on yourself as possible. It doesn't have to be like spending hours setting up this elf doing something crazy every night. Most of us don't have that kind of energy.

ALYSIA: It's true. I think that we just, we don't have to do all the things. If it's a woman thing, I don't know if it's a cultural thing, I don't know if it's a family thing, I have no idea, but I really do have this list of expectations of myself of how to make Christmas magical. How to make it perfect. That in my house, I am the one that makes that stuff happen. And I have to ask myself, over the last several years, I've had to ask myself, what really matters here? Is it the gingerbread house? Is it the cookies? Is it, or is it just spending time together with my family?

You know, you have to identify the things that really matter and figure out how to continue traditions where you can embrace that, prioritize that, and let go of the things that are just things.

BECKY: If you're not sure which ones matter to your family, open up a dialogue with it.

Because I know that for us, is that because of the home we grew up in as sisters, doing the Christmas plates and the candy and whatever was a huge part of the tradition. And it's not that my kids don't enjoy doing that, but it was not as important to them as it was to me to feel like I had to do all these extra things.

They do like me to make, like, a thing of fudge, at least, but we don't go crazy with the Christmas candy like I felt like I had to at first. I found out to them that some of the more important things that they liked were, we have a tradition of doing Christmas PJs. And even though all of my kids are adults now, and I actually was thinking maybe that was something that didn't matter to them, talking to them, they actually love the Christmas PJs.

So that was like, okay, that's one that doesn't take a whole lot of effort on my part. That's something I can handle keeping. Open up the dialogue again. A lot of this is about open communication with your family or friends or whoever you're celebrating with and see what is important to everybody, because sometimes the things that we get caught up in that we think are so important because it's going to matter are things that aren't as big a deal for the people that we're doing them for.

ALYSIA: Amen!

STACY: I agree. I think that at the holidays, it's really hard to not get a fear of missing out on all of the things that you could be doing. And so, and when we overrun ourselves instead of enjoying the holiday, what ends up happening is we end up overwhelming our autoimmune system and then it becomes angry. And then instead of going to the party that really mattered, the one party that really mattered for the holiday, we're laying in bed in a full on flare because we didn't pay attention to the two weeks prior.

We have to really pare down to the bare essentials. I know this sounds like really harsh, but I look at it as really refining. It's kind of like when they smelt gold to create something truly beautiful. They get out all the impurities. During the holidays, we have to refine everything that we want to do down to the truly most important things. And that allows us to focus on the things that matter most.

And I think that personally, I have a better experience with my holidays now. Because everything I do is meaningful. I'm not wasting my breath and time and energy on the things that aren't truly worth my time. That has made a huge difference in my life.

I gave up having a full size live tree. I get a little tree that I set up in my dining room area, and so I can still have the beautiful smell of pine in my house, but it's only a two or three foot tree. It's easy to clean up. It's easy to water. I'm not down on the ground constantly, and my big tree is still beautiful and it did feel like a huge sacrifice that first year, but it doesn't feel like a huge sacrifice now because I have found that I still get to do the things I love most. And I take like a month to decorate the tree, instead of doing it all in two days, I put it up Thanksgiving weekend, and it gets decorated when it gets decorated, set up the understanding that things aren't going to be the way they were, but they can still be good, and in some ways even better.

ALYSIA: Slow down and think about what really matters. Um, And as Stacy said, you don't have to decorate your tree all in one day. You don't have to do that. Start doing this stuff in advance. I don't care if people give me crap that I'm putting my Christmas tree up the day after Halloween. I don't care. I'm going to just go ahead and put it up and I'm going to decorate it at my own pace.

You know, start buying your presents early, wrap them as you buy them. There's a lot of things that you can do in advance to make it easier on yourself. As you're listening to this, ask yourself real quick, what can I do now to make it easier for me for Thanksgiving? What can I do now that'll make it easier for me at Christmas time? Um, and start, create a schedule. I think that's...create a schedule, delegate tasks, and, and just stick to it. Stick to it, and then when your body says you're done, just be done. Just be kind to yourself. Just be kind. You, you've got to schedule in, don't forget to schedule in those things that you do to protect your peace.

Like, if it's mindfulness techniques, if it's meditation, if it's prayer, um, whatever it is, don't overschedule yourself during the holidays, because that is the number one way to burn out. Focus on the most important things, let go of the unnecessary things.

STACY: And I think we have to remember that we have to adhere to our treatment plan. It is really easy during the holidays to forget to take your pills when you're supposed to to go somewhere and forget you even needed pills, so you have to be a little bit vigilant about that. Your medication is protecting your body, and it's helping you operate. So, you have to make a plan where you're going to be able to adhere to your medication regimen.

So whether it's setting an extra alarm on your phone, or just having an extra set of your night pills that stays in your purse or in your car, somewhere where you have a backup plan, because the holiday season's crazy, okay? No matter how much we plan, it's going to be a little crazy. There's going to be unexpected things. So, you've got to address your physical health needs.

BECKY: Along with adhering to our treatment plans and making sure we're taking our medication on schedule and those kind of things to help with our physical health, a good thing that we can do for self care and for our mental and emotional health is practicing self compassion.

Give yourself a break. Realize that you don't have to do everything on that list. People might have a million expectations for you, and you just need to reset those expectations because you need to do what is best for you and your health. And that is going to, of course, require seeking support from loved ones, or if you don't have family or friends nearby, looking for support groups. We've mentioned before there are a lot of great support groups online that are helpful, um, ways that you could meet people that are going through a lot of the same things you are.

ALYSIA: And if you don't have a family or friends nearby, support groups are really something good to rely on during the holidays, because as we mentioned earlier, it can be a very isolating time. It can be a very depressing time. It can be a very lonely time, especially if you are sick, especially if you are dealing with illness. With autoimmune issues that you don't feel like anybody understands. When you find those support groups where others are experiencing similar things, you do have a community there. You feel validated, you feel heard, you feel seen. And that is so important during the holidays. It really is.

BECKY: And kind of along with feeling seen and having good people around you, another way to care for yourself mentally and emotionally is to avoid toxic people. And I know sometimes that is actually really hard during the holidays, if those toxic people are close family or friends, because that's just going to be, you know, make your holiday brighter by being with people that lift you. And similarly, as well as people that lift you and make you feel better, engage in activities that bring you joy or peace, whatever holiday season it is.

If it's fall and it's the Thanksgiving time, if you like gathering, um, at church or with family, to express your gratitude, if you like going and walking and seeing all the beautiful changing of the leaves, Christmas and Hanukkah, and you like going to church or synagogue, if you enjoy holiday music, looking at the lights. I know for me one of the things that brings me a lot of peace is just very simply a beautifully lit Christmas tree, and I will have the Christmas tree on at night and I will turn on some nice soft Christmas music, and that is a lovely way that I myself personally find peace during the holiday season.

ALYSIA: As we're talking about physical and emotional health, I think we'd be remiss to not talk about food. Food is such a huge component of the holidays, and as we've mentioned, um, having a healthy diet is one of our Big Six. We are also big on having in general, a healthy relationship with food, which means you're not going to guilt yourself and beat yourself up if you have something that isn't ideal for you.

But for those things, that you choose to indulge in, do it consciously. Say, I am choosing to have this, because this is a traditional food we eat on this during this time, or because it was made with love by somebody who wanted to give it to me, or you could say to yourself, I'm choosing not to eat this because it's not going to serve my body. It's not going to serve my well being. Either way, what you put in your mouth, do it consciously, don't beat yourself up. So, listen to your body as you always should, and be conscious about what you're putting in your mouth.

STACY: As you find foods, as you adjust your foods, as you find ways to make food work for you in your new world and your new environment, you can also adjust how you gift your friends and neighbors, how you work your traditions. You can either downsize if you need to downsize or you can kind of change it up and do something new and different.

I think about some of the things that I've done, like we said, we used to do candy plates as a family. I don't have the time, the energy, and I don't want that much sugar in my house anymore. It's not healthy for me. It's not good for me. So instead, if I have the energy, I will make a nice Christmas ornament, or I will bake something lovely for my friends who are celebrating Hanukkah or Kwanzaa. I will find things that are helpful. I go to Christmas markets. I see what the Christmas markets have.

And if I'm just not up to being out and about, Etsy is my friend. I love buying from small businesses. I can find inexpensive, lovely gifts. And not only does that, it brings brightness to me, because I'm helping a developing artist or I'm helping, you know, a struggling mom who's trying to feed her children, or I just, I love that there is a place where I can go and find a gift for someone that I love because I don't have the energy to make it, but there is someone who does. And they're making beautiful things. And so there are ways that you can find to still do the things you love and give the gifts you want to give.

And I know that for some of us, our budget is now greatly strained, because autoimmunity has made it so that maybe some of you can't work. I know that's what it did to me. And I had to completely shift my gears and figure out how to navigate that. So, I understand a budget can be tight. But there's still inexpensive ways that you can enjoy the holiday. You just need to prioritize your needs and think in terms of, "What is the most important thing I want to accomplish with this holiday? Who are the people that I really want to do something special for?" But I'm going to tell you something that costs almost nothing that I think is one of the most powerful things you can do over the holiday.

Write a letter to a person you love. Our dad has been gone for years. I have a letter that he wrote me one of the last Christmases that he was here, and I take it out every year and I read it, and it is still it brings me so much joy to remember how much he loved me, how much good he wanted for me.

When you really love someone, it doesn't have to be eloquent. It doesn't have to be lengthy, but there's something so powerful in giving your words of care and love to another person. Do more than just sign your Christmas card with your name, buy a Christmas card, spend some quality time writing, because even if we're hurting, even if we don't feel great, we usually have enough time that we can give to that. That is my number one gift that I think that I love to give the most and that I definitely love to receive the most.

BECKY: I was going to say as we're talking about gifts, I don't know how many of you out there are familiar when they talk about love languages. Um, but I think that's a really great way when you're thinking of people, if you consider what somebody's love language is for some people gifts like actual physical gifts are their love language, but for other people, spending quality time with them or doing service for them is their love language.

And so, like Stacy was saying with changing up how we gift things, maybe depending on the person and what they enjoy, instead of gifting them something physical, gift them an experience, go out for an evening, you know, maybe we're going to the theater, maybe we're going to some really cool park nearby or whatever it is. I mean, there's a million different things you could go and do if you're looking for experiences. A lot of times, if you recognize what that person values and maybe what kind of a gift would be the best for them, because it's not always a physical one.

ALYSIA: I love that. I think that's so true. I know at this point in my life, I would much rather receive a gift of, of an event, an occasion, an experience. My husband for my birthday gave me three meals every week for a month off of my plate and you nailed it, babe. That is amazing. An amazing gift. I love it. I think that's great. I think that. Most people are going to see where your heart is when you give an experience instead of a physical gift.

And I don't want more things in my house. I don't need more things in my house. I think that there are a lot of ways we can adapt our traditions, as Stacy was saying. Things, just maybe be open-minded about doing things differently. Whether it is for your physical well being, your mental well being, your emotional well being, whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, be okay with having it look different than it used to. Be okay with trying different foods that maybe aren't your traditional, sugary holiday foods, um, be okay with finding different traditions that do not sap your energy and your time, your physical resources.

Find the joy in the things that matter during the holidays, whether that is spending time with family, or creating new traditions that are going to serve you better going forward. There, I think there's just a lot of ways that we can make the holidays magical for us while still taking care of our bodies.

Thank you for joining us. Please share your ideas of how to make the holidays better. We love to hear your thoughts, whether it is a tip to use paper plates through the holidays, maybe it's go ahead and buy that pre-made pie crust, whatever it is that you find that makes it a little bit easier for you, let us know. We'd love to hear from you.

Thank you for joining us. The three of us hope that you have an amazing holiday season. Remember that you are worthy of joy. Your disease does not define your life. You do.